Figuratively speaking, of course: "asshole," meaning someone like Joe the Plumber, someone who whines about big government wanting to take his money and give it to someone else, when, it turns out, he's been on welfare twice in his life; someone who, when he is confronted about his welfare-queen past, says he's "paid it back" into the system--except he owes about $1,600 in back taxes. I could go on about Joe the Plumber, but you get the point: an "asshole" is the typical Republican blow-hard whose understanding of the world around him is so distorted that it allows his vanity to broadcast his ignorance on national TV, over and mercilessly over again--you know, sort of like an average hockey-mom who thinks she's qualified to be Vice President.
So I began my quest for the biggest asshole in the US by checking out the voting patterns of counties on a map. The map on Daily Kos, to be exact. If you click on a state on that map, it will zoom into the state and show you the breakdown of red/blue votes by county. Since I live in California, I began there. As in other places, the blue part of the state is along the coast and in and around major cities. Up in Humbolt there is a blue pocket, and south of LA is usually overwhelmingly red--except not this time. This time, the counties south of LA all went blue, save one--Orange County.
Orange County has proven that its ass-holery has achieved such zen-like perfection that not even the thought of being governed by a wrinkled old bag full of Post-traumatic stress disorder and his crazed-by-ambition, airheaded side-kick could dispel it. Which brings up the question, What the fuck is the matter with Orange County? The Answer: Oliver Cromwell, like I wrote about. Which brings up a second question: Is the biggest asshole to be found in Orange County? The answer is No: In order to find out who the biggest asshole in the US is, we need to locate the county with the highest concentration of assholes. Orange county, despite its display of miraculous lack of insight, still went 47% for Obama; that is merely a half-strength concentration. In order to locate the kind of walking-argument-for-nuclear-annihilation type of asshole, we need to locate concentrations beyond 90%; only in such a petri dish can the noxious bacterium that we are looking for grow; a county with an asshole concentration rate of below 90% is too susceptible to sanity.
Orange County is a big clue in the quest, however, because like a gigantic, arrow-shaped, demographic turd, Orange County points in the direction of the state we're looking for: Oklahoma. Orange County is the bastion of narcissism-piled-on-top-of-ignorance that it is because it is populated by people whose ancestors came from Oklahoma and, before that, from Oliver Cromwell W.A.S.P. country in Scotland. The connection is the Dust Bowl, and, irony of all ironies, the Great Depression. When the Dust Bowl hit, these people moved to the Orange groves of Orange County, California, to work like the Mexicans that they so like to rail against today. These hypocrites used to be lefties--as in real, communist left, not the limp-wristed liberals so common nowadays--during the Great Depression. Pete Seeger, Woody Guthrie, The Grapes of Wrath are their legacy. They swung right, however, when desegregation and civil rights became an issue, and right-wing politicians have been playing them like the banjo from Deliverance ever since.
Oklahoma, it turns out, is today the reddest of all states. It went 66-34 in favor of McCaine. No state beats that record. To boot, there is not one county in all of Oklahoma that went for Obama--not one. No state beats that record, either. Even Wyoming that went 65-33 for McCaine had two counties go for Obama. The county we're looking for must be here, then. But where?
Mouse through the counties on the map, and you'll see that the nearer you get to the Texas panhandle, the closer the asshole concentration gets to that magic 90% level. In Beaver County, in the northwest of Oklahoma, a whopping 89% of the population voted for McCaine. But the county we're looking for is, not in Oklahoma, but adjacent to its border: Ochiltree County, Texas, a dry county named after a village in Scotland (surprise, surprise), where the county's Events Calender has "partly cloudy" as the event for November 11-14, and where--92%--of the people voted for McCaine. It's hard to believe. Could it be that they voted for McCaine so uniformly because they all make more than $200,000 a year and don't want to pay higher taxes under Obama? Well, no. According to the 2000 census, 1.9% of the population was making more than $150,000, and the median income for households was $38,013.
The only possible explanation for their suicidal voting is that they're rabid racists. They think people from West Asia, aka the "Middle East," are about to plant a nuclear bomb in their nowhere county, and they can't bring themselves to vote for a "nigger." They're all assholes, then. But the question is, Who is the biggest asshole in this county with a majority of assholes already of surprisingly large proportions? Interesting question. One way to answer it is to ask, What could happen to Joe the Plumber to make him an even bigger asshole than he already is? Give him a tazer gun and the authority "to protect and to serve," as they say here in Cali; in other words, make him a cop. That would skyrocket his asshole rating on the Asshole Index to right about 3465 Asshole Units, head and shoulders above anybody else in the US, perhaps even the planet.
Which brings our quest to the Ochiltree Sheriff's Department. Here, the sheriff is on local radio talking about a scam that's been going on in Ochiltree. The good residents have been getting checks for thousands of dollars from "Mary Jo Smith" along with a congratulatory letter asking them to send back $2,000 to speed up the "processing." I don't know whether Mr. Sheriff is fear-mongering the way Republicans typically do or the residents of Ochiltree are really so uniformly-stupid-as-they-are-uniformly-Republican as to fall for this scam in epidemic proportions, but the depth of the ignorance in the county is palpable in the interview. As Mr. Sheriff says, the victims tend to part with their money through MoneyGram--because MoneyGram is available in Wal-Mart stores. He also says, with a resentful tone, that "if you win something, the IRS has got their hand out before you collect your winnings. I'll guarantee you that!"
Right, Mr. Sheriff. Like I'm sure you are in an intellectual position to guarantee an entire host of truths that people living in cities, outside of dead-end small towns are too never-shot-a-moose naive to understand. For example, Real America, when picking a President, asks, Well, sure he's a Harvard law professor who gave up a cush corporate job to organize in the poorest communities of Chicago, thereby demonstrating his true commitment to America, but has been tortured for seven years? In deciding on the qualifications of a Vice President, Real America asks, Of course he's been a senator for decades and is the head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, but can he see Russia from his house?
Incidentally, the scams Mr. Sheriff is probably talking about is 419 scams out of Nigeria, and he is either exaggerating what happens in these scams, or he just doesn't understand them, because he describes the scams incorrectly. People bait these scammers, and the results are entertaining.
In any case, Mr. Sheriff, how about big city blue states like California and New York stop spending their hard-earned dollars on your welfare? Because you know that big city blue states pay about $1.20 for your 80 cents of taxes, and the difference goes from these big-city blue states to pay for your roads, bridges, schools, and white welfare queens like Joe the Plumber. I'm sick of paying for the welfare of stupid white red-state ideological bottom feeders who turn around and vote against the country's interests because they are too stupid to know even that that letters they get from Barrister William Holden Witherspoon announcing $20 million inheritances are a scam. How about you pull yourselves up by your boot straps and build your own infrastructure? Maybe you could do it with your chain gangs. The only things you produce are cow farts, 40-something military retirees living on government pensions, and trailer parks where no 15-year-old girl is left behind the abortion issue (and I'm being generous with the syntax there).